Amber Grubenmann

I believe in you.

Don't dismiss this just because we haven't met. I do believe in you, and I hope this helps you believe in yourself.

I believe in you because I believe in the process of how we achieve goals.

I believe action plus reflection equals results.

Having the goal of going from dating to exclusive is like setting the point on the GPS for where you want to go.

Then deciding what you want to think, creating that mindset, taking action, and reflecting on the results of those actions is the trip that you take to get there.

You change your mindset and start to feel a new way, and then you start to show up differently.

I believe in you because I believe in the dating process that I teach you here, on my podcast, and in my coaching program.

If you haven’t been taught much about dating, it makes sense if you haven’t been able to create the kind of relationships that you want yet.

You just needed some different information.

I believe in you because people like you.

There...

Are you currently in the season of being single? Let's figure out how to make the most of it.

We all have cycles in different areas of life, and sometimes we have a lot of resistance to them.

It's important to be able to recognize what season we're in and what the purpose of that season is, because otherwise it might go to waste. We might not get everything we need from that season to prepare us for the next part of our journey.  

Keep in mind that being single is a season and not a life sentence, so enjoy it while you're here and try to make the most of it.

Relationships require a lot of attentiveness, energy, and thoughtfulness. We give a lot to a relationship, and that's a really good thing.

But when you're not in a relationship, you can direct that energy into yourself and other areas of your life, because that creates the foundation for your future relationship.

If the thought of being single for a year makes your heart sink, that's your first sign that...

On episode 198 of the podcast, I interviewed one of my favorite authors, Dr. Stephen Ilardi. We talked about his book The Depression Cure, and the intersection of mental health and dating.

Dr. Ilardi explained that when people are depressed they’re often in a lot of pain.

If our brain is signaling a lot of emotional distress, it profoundly influences how our mind works.

It’s no mystery why when people are in a depressive mood they have a negative self-image and a negative view of the world in general.

A person who is struggling with depression can be more sensitive to circumstances that are a natural part of dating, such as rejection, disappointment, and conflict.

During the interview I asked, is it helpful for somebody who is recovering from depression to be out in the world of dating?

Dr. Ilardi explained that one of the biggest drivers of depression is actually the brain’s runaway stress response staying in overdrive for an extended period of...

Today I want to share with you an idea that I call “the two percent rule.” 

It says that you have a two percent chance of ending up happily married to someone you go on a date with. 

Of course it would be very difficult to actually figure out that statistic, but it’s a helpful thought to have when dating. 

Two percent sounds like a really small number, but on the other hand it’s one out of fifty. 

If you're going on a date per week like I teach my clients to do, you're going on about fifty dates per year.

That’s just one new person per week. 

That means it's possible for you to meet somebody that you will be happily married to within the year. 

And just because it's a two percent chance, that doesn't mean it will be the very last person at the end of the year. It could be the very next person. 

In that sense, it really is a numbers game. 

But also since we're human, it's not just about meeting the right person....

People with an anxious attachment style tend to be very highly attuned to their partner’s emotions and needs.

They are sensitive to shifts in a dynamic and to threats to the relationship.

At times anxiety can be really disruptive to the dating experience.

Even though the emotions can be very strong, the solutions are very simple.

It’s simple to establish trust and lower the anxious partner’s fear. As trust builds over time, the anxiety gets lower until it’s basically non-existent in the relationship.

Grand gestures don’t make up for missing the little things.

If you do something really big and extravagant for the anxious partner, that’s great.

But also pay attention to the little things, like making it your priority to say hi to that person first thing in the morning or sending a text during the day that says, “I’m thinking of you.”

Consistency is more important than quantity.

A break in the pattern of communication will...

One of my clients told me she was reflecting about her journey of creating the exclusive relationship she's been in for three months, and about the work we have done together.

She said that one of the things that was very helpful for her was the thought that, “Somebody wants what you want, as much as you want it.”

For her this came up in the context of wanting kids.

Previously, she felt nervous about going on dates and sharing her desire to have children with people.

She was worried that other people didn't want that, or she would have to convince somebody to want it.

When she started dating her current boyfriend, she noticed how different it was to talk to him about the topic.

When he talked about kids, she could tell that he was excited about it and that he really liked them.

Going into dating with the belief that there's somebody out there who wants what you want as much as you want it will help you filter people in a much more effective way.

You...

When my clients come to me for help in dating, usually they start by sharing with me how long they've been single.

Of course, they want to figure out why they haven't been able to create the relationship that they want during that time.

While there can be many different factors, one thing that people usually don't consider is how long they've actually been “clean single.”

Clean single means you are consistently implementing strategies to create dates, and showing up fully for those dates.

Let's say you tell me that you've been single for a year, but you were in a situationship for eight months with a 40% guy.

During those eight months you were unavailable to other people to some extent. That's one year minus eight months where you weren't clean single.

Sometimes people take big breaks from dating, and that doesn’t count as being clean single either. Maybe you took three months off from dating.

So actually during the year you only dated “clean...

On my podcast you usually hear me talking about how to change your thoughts, your feelings, and your actions in order to create the results you want in dating.

If you’re reading this you’re probably already a person who takes responsibility for your own life.

However, in dating we interact with a lot of people – sometimes total strangers – and we have no idea what's in store for us.

I want to give you some questions to ask yourself to make dating less painful if someone doesn’t treat you well.

The solution doesn’t have to be changing something about yourself. And it’s not that you need to be funnier, prettier, sexier, more interesting, more available, or anything else.

The way other people treat you is not about you. It is about them. 

These questions will start to create some distance between yourself and the other person’s behavior.

- Can you control their behavior (i.e. make them text you back, make plans, or be more...

On episode 193 of my podcast I had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Lindsay Kite, co-author of the book More Than a Body: Your Body Is an Instrument, Not an Ornament. 

We discussed the topic of body image and dating. Here are just a few takeaways from our conversation.

1. You don’t have to change your body or appearance to be worthy of love.

There is a myth in our culture that if we perfect our bodies, our lives will finally be good. Our bodies seem like projects to work on and improve. 

But in reality, people of all shapes and sizes have really great lives.

Moreover, people have physical preferences that are all over the map. 

There’s a percentage of guys who only want women who look one certain way. Those aren’t the guys who you would have a long-lasting, meaningful connection with.

No matter what your weight is, there’s a group of people who are attracted to you. If you go up or down in weight, that group might change, but you...

One of my clients told me she was feeling anxious about dating a particular guy. She was really worried that she might lead him on. She worried about what could happen if it turns out that he likes her more than she likes him.

She was really afraid of exploring the connection because potentially, down the line, she could hurt this person.

There's a big difference between disappointing somebody and damaging somebody.

In dating sometimes we have to disappoint people or reject them in order to be honest about what we truly want.

Causing damage to somebody, on the other hand, means creating pain for them to process through. It happens when we let someone down in a way that makes them more fearful, insecure, or confused.

The kinds of behaviors that cause damage include leading people on, being dishonest, being unclear, being hot and cold, and drawing things out longer than you need to.

Here are a few things to help you disappoint or reject people without actually causing harm.