Have you ever looked back on a connection that didn't work out and thought, “I should have known?”
It could be because you had a breakup, or somebody turned out to not be very kind, or another version of things not working out.
We look into the past and we can see certain signs or signals that this person may not have been the best match for us.
Then we judge ourselves for not noticing those things earlier or acting on them at the time.
For example, if a connection doesn’t work out you might think, “I shouldn't have introduced them to my friends so early” or “I should have waited to be exclusive.”
Sometimes people are hesitant to become exclusive because they think, "I need to know if this is the right person."
"I need to know how they're going to treat me. I need to know if we are sexually compatible. I need to see all of these various factors in the relationship before I can take a step forward."
But actually, those decisions to...
This week I was reading through some messages from the clients in my current coaching program, From Dating to Exclusive.
We have a private Slack group where all of the participants can connect with each other.
It warmed my heart because they are so funny, and I noticed that they all have two general mindsets.
One was silliness and playfulness. They are having fun with the process, laughing about mistakes they’ve made, laughing about some of the people that they’ve encountered, and making light of things.
And the other thing I noticed is that they all have a growth mindset as they are sharing these things.
They aren't just complaining and commiserating, they are sharing what they've learned and they are inspired by the steps that they have taken.
What I saw in these conversations was the general theme of “no matter what happened yesterday, I'm on the right path and I trust this process.”
And so I just wanted to share that concept with you today, which is to...
Years ago, I was really depressed. It's been a long journey recovering from depression.
During that process, I read a book called Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns, and one of the things that I learned in that book was to pay attention to how I spoke to myself and the labels that I put on myself.
One of the things that I thought about myself every single day was that I'm lazy. Obviously I had a lot of evidence to back this up because the symptoms of depression include having difficulty focusing, getting work done, and just showing up to life in general.
From there I started labeling myself lazy and it was a negative cycle.
So when I learned about how my thoughts create my feelings and therefore how I show up to life, I knew that I needed to change the story that I'm lazy. It's not possible to create what you want if that's how you think of yourself.
Because I had so much evidence built up that I was lazy, it was really hard to change that story.
But what I did was I noticed...
Dr. Aziz Gazipura joined me on episode 208 of the podcast to share some advice about how to create extraordinary relationships.
Dr. Aziz is the reason I became a coach. After I read his book I reached out to him to ask if he could train me, which is why I get to do what I love today.
One of the questions I asked Dr. Aziz was, what makes a great first date conversation?
He suggested steering away from interview-style questions like “where did you go to school?”
Instead, try get a little more creative.
Ask yourself, what do I really want to know about this person?
Ask about what you’re interested in, even if it seems random.
It’s like playing tennis. Can they get that ball even when its low? Even when it’s high? Are they game?
Be brave with your questions and forthcoming with your answers.
If you think this person is great, you might want to win them over, but usually that isn’t the best strategy.
Communicate how you normally do, and be...
You’ve probably heard me talk about when and how to have the exclusivity conversation.
There is some confusion about whether or not you should ask questions like, “Where is this going?” or “What are you looking for?” early in the dating process.
A client shared that she was dating a woman, and on the second date the woman said to my client, “I’m looking for something serious, are we doing this or not?”
She came in with a harsh energy that can really impact the outcome of these conversations.
My client said no, but she was having some doubts about her own reaction.
She didn’t feel good about the conversation or the way the woman approached her about it.
When I say energy, I mean how you feel about yourself, the other person, their potential answers, and the idea of a relationship.
The way we feel comes from the way we think.
When we go into the exclusivity conversation with a harsh energy, it’s usually coming from thoughts...
Something that has been coming up with my clients recently is the “relationship pedestal.”
It’s a pattern of thought that limits the amount of joy you can receive from areas of life outside of dating.
For example, one of my clients is a high achiever and she has created her dream career. Her friend was congratulating her on that, and my client was just dismissing her friend’s comments.
She wasn’t letting it soak in how awesome all her accomplishments are.
She had the thought, “It doesn't really matter because I haven't found my partner yet.”
Dating is a place where we go to give, and we get the energy to give to dating from the rest of our life.
We get dividends from our career, our health, our friendships, and our experiences.
Then we get to show up in dating and make those investments in new people with the hope that one of those connections will grow into something amazing.
If you're not collecting the dividends from the other areas...
We all have a different amount of currency in our emotional bank account. That currency is made up of our time and our energy.
When we are dating, we spend our time and energy on other people in hopes of getting a return on our investment.
We hope that the time and energy we give comes back eventually as fulfillment from being in a relationship with an amazing person.
You will have a much better dating experience if you get your dating financial health in check.
Lately on the podcast we've been talking about how to build up this reserve with your friendships, your passion projects, work that you care about, personal interests, your health, and mindset work.
By doing that, you will start to feel an overflow of energy and positivity that you can then spend on other areas of life, such as dating.
But then when you go through a break up after you invested a lot of time and energy into someone, your emotional bank account is depleted.
It's kind of like you're in dating...
I believe in you.
Don't dismiss this just because we haven't met. I do believe in you, and I hope this helps you believe in yourself.
I believe in you because I believe in the process of how we achieve goals.
I believe action plus reflection equals results.
Having the goal of going from dating to exclusive is like setting the point on the GPS for where you want to go.
Then deciding what you want to think, creating that mindset, taking action, and reflecting on the results of those actions is the trip that you take to get there.
You change your mindset and start to feel a new way, and then you start to show up differently.
I believe in you because I believe in the dating process that I teach you here, on my podcast, and in my coaching program.
If you haven’t been taught much about dating, it makes sense if you haven’t been able to create the kind of relationships that you want yet.
You just needed some different information.
I believe in you because people like you.
Are you currently in the season of being single? Let's figure out how to make the most of it.
We all have cycles in different areas of life, and sometimes we have a lot of resistance to them.
It's important to be able to recognize what season we're in and what the purpose of that season is, because otherwise it might go to waste. We might not get everything we need from that season to prepare us for the next part of our journey.
Keep in mind that being single is a season and not a life sentence, so enjoy it while you're here and try to make the most of it.
Relationships require a lot of attentiveness, energy, and thoughtfulness. We give a lot to a relationship, and that's a really good thing.
But when you're not in a relationship, you can direct that energy into yourself and other areas of your life, because that creates the foundation for your future relationship.
If the thought of being single for a year makes your heart sink, that's your first sign that...
On episode 198 of the podcast, I interviewed one of my favorite authors, Dr. Stephen Ilardi. We talked about his book The Depression Cure, and the intersection of mental health and dating.
Dr. Ilardi explained that when people are depressed they’re often in a lot of pain.
If our brain is signaling a lot of emotional distress, it profoundly influences how our mind works.
It’s no mystery why when people are in a depressive mood they have a negative self-image and a negative view of the world in general.
A person who is struggling with depression can be more sensitive to circumstances that are a natural part of dating, such as rejection, disappointment, and conflict.
During the interview I asked, is it helpful for somebody who is recovering from depression to be out in the world of dating?
Dr. Ilardi explained that one of the biggest drivers of depression is actually the brain’s runaway stress response staying in overdrive for an extended period of...