When I was talking with a client about the role of sex in her dating dynamics, she said she had been told that if a woman doesn’t have sex with a man by the third date, he’s just going to assume there’s no chemistry and lose interest.
She said she had adopted that belief after hearing it from multiple sources.
It is a mindset that many women have, feeling like no guy is going to commit to us if we don’t first have sex with them so they know there is sexual compatibility.
Sometimes we worry that if we don’t have sex early enough the guy won’t stick around to really get to know us.
That line of thinking leads you to making a disempowered, pressured, and rushed decision about having sex because you’re trying to keep the other person pleased and keep them around.
I want to share some principles to help you make empowered decisions about sex.
First, when it comes to sex you want the decision to feel good not only in the moment but also the next...
At any given time everyone has 1-3 life problems, and the way you choose to approach those problems will determine the quality of your life, who you become, and what you create in life.
If you have the right strategy for handling your problems, you will be able to reap the benefits of them in the future.
The first way to reap the benefits of your problems is to focus on solving them instead of just coping with them.
One of my big life problems was feeling lonely and disconnected as an adult.
For the longest time I was coping with that problem by binge watching TV, overeating, and overly relying on my partner, all while avoiding the problem by telling myself it wasn’t as bad as I thought.
Whatever you’re doing to cope with the problem is probably creating more problems for you.
The longer you’re not dealing with it the bigger of an issue it becomes.
Coping is natural because solving a problem tends to be unpleasant.
Tackling a problem head on requires us to be...
I was recently inspired by an interview with Alex Hormozie on The School of Greatness podcast.
The idea he discussed was about how we have more clarity thinking about how to not do something than how to do it.
It’s easier to think about the steps to destroy a relationship than it is to list everything you know about creating a wonderful, lasting, extraordinary, passionate relationship.
Then you can think backwards and do the opposite of those things to create a beautiful relationship.
These are some of the ideas I came up with.
Fifteen ways to not create a relationship:
Have you ever been completely devastated by a connection that didn’t work out after just a few dates?
Do you worry that you get attached to people too quickly?
First, I want to say it’s normal to really, really like somebody.
It’s normal to want things to work out with a specific person.
It’s normal to wonder, do they like me back? Do they want to see me again?
It’s normal to feel like you actually put something on the line once you’ve met somebody you like.
When we date, we put our chips in – from date one.
We are taking an emotional risk and it’s normal to really want to win big.
Now that we have that established, let’s talk about when becoming attached quickly is disruptive.
Sometimes the risk we take feels a lot bigger.
It’s not that you just bet a few chips, you bet all your chips.
You might be intensely...
I hear from a lot of women that the men they’re connecting with are not skilled at having in-depth, insightful, and emotionally open conversations.
A lot of guys give one-word responses to their questions.
When they go on a date, these men love talking about themselves, but they don’t ask any questions. Even if they do ask a question, it’s surface level.
One of my clients was coming across people who were not emotionally engaged, and when she told her friends about it they said, “Guys are just like that.”
She was letting that behavior slide because she figured that’s just how men are.
But that is not our standard for connection and communication.
At the beginning of my From Dating to Exclusive program, I send my clients a little book from a Buddhist teacher. One of my favorite quotes from the book is, “Understanding is love’s other name.”
When somebody is not invested in understanding us, there is no potential to...
What if your future self already created the result that you want and you’re just figuring out how she did it?
Holding this belief brings a whole different energy to our pursuit of goals.
Imagine yourself in the relationship that you want to create.
Imagine the kind of person you’re with and the quality of the connection the two of you have.
Imagine what it feels like.
What if that is an actual point in the future that you are heading towards?
When we don’t approach our goals with the belief that we will create what we want, we start feeling frustrated with the process.
We take action toward our goal by going on dates and trying to pursue a relationship, but if we believe it might never happen for us, we start feeling tired and burnt out really quickly
Instead, we want approach it with the belief that it’s just a matter of time.
Future me already evolved, learned, and created it.
All I have to do is figure out the next step.
But we don’t want to...
Today I want to share some of the sources of pressure that can lead us to end up in the wrong relationship, and some ideas for how to deal with them.
Family, friends, and community.
It’s really common for my clients to feel pressure to get married by a certain age.
You might hear little comments subtly implying that something is wrong with you because you are not in a relationship.
It can show up in statements from your friends or family, such as “You’re being too picky.”
Most people don’t even realize they are doing it.
If you sense that a specific person is asking you about dating to hear how you’re doing it wrong, remember it’s definitely within your rights to set a boundary.
If they ask whether you’ve been on any dates recently, you can say "no" or “Actually, I’d rather not talk about that.” You have permission to not open up to people who don’t hold space for you.
Biology and the desire to have kids....
“The void” is what I call the feeling you have when you are dating and things don’t work out. It’s the pause between the last thing that ended and the next thing before it starts.
You come off the high of being excited about somebody and you have this in-between moment. It can have a feeling of darkness, emptiness, and discouragement.
On top of that, we start to make interpretations about what that “void” feeling means.
We start thinking something has gone wrong and we’re not doing it right. We start to have more negative thoughts about ourselves and about dating. We start to doubt ourselves.
What I want to communicate to you is not how to make that feeling go away or how to never experience it again.
Rather, I want to clarify that the void is a natural part of the process and you’ll probably feel it several times before you meet somebody that you really hit it off with.
The dating journey is like a hike where there are a lot of...
There are different categories of conversations that we can explore as we are connecting with people, and most people tend to have specific comfort zones in these different categories.
- The first category is talking about anything surface level, like what's here and now, and facts about things going on around you. Those kinds of conversations are probably not specifically about you or the other person.
- The second category is intellectual interests or topics in general. This is when you can dive into, for example, politics, movies, art, or travel. You can have interesting conversations about various topics, but at this level it's still not quite about you. It's more about sharing your knowledge about the topic.
- The next category is playfulness, fun, and flirtiness. Here you’re able to joke around, be silly, and create some tension. This gets into a more vulnerable place because it takes some emotional risk when we don't know if people are going to get that joke or...
You want to have deeper connections with men so you practice asking deeper questions and sharing more about your inner thoughts, feelings, and challenges.
A woman who I recently spoke to shared that a guy ended their connection 2 months in because he felt she was unloading a lot of personal baggage on him and it felt overwhelming. She had some family challenges come up recently that she frequently brought up when they would meet up.
So she asked me: “Am I oversharing personal problems while dating? How vulnerable can I be?”
Here are some guiding principles to follow:
1.) Different people have different capacities and desires for depth.
Some people may be fundamentally incompatible with you because they don’t have the desire or need for as much depth and intimacy as you do. This isn’t wrong, it’s just different. Some people are not able to hold space for big emotions, shocking thoughts, or a full range of human experience....