Amber Grubenmann

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The Math of Dating

Today I want to share with you an idea that I call “the two percent rule.” 

It says that you have a two percent chance of ending up happily married to someone you go on a date with. 

Of course it would be very difficult to actually figure out that statistic, but it’s a helpful thought to have when dating. 

Two percent sounds like a really small number, but on the other hand it’s one out of fifty. 

If you're going on a date per week like I teach my clients to do, you're going on about fifty dates per year.

That’s just one new person per week. 

That means it's possible for you to meet somebody that you will be happily married to within the year. 

And just because it's a two percent chance, that doesn't mean it will be the very last person at the end of the year. It could be the very next person. 

In that sense, it really is a numbers game. 

But also since we're human, it's not just about meeting the right person....

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How to Support an Anxious Partner

People with an anxious attachment style tend to be very highly attuned to their partner’s emotions and needs.

They are sensitive to shifts in a dynamic and to threats to the relationship.

At times anxiety can be really disruptive to the dating experience.

Even though the emotions can be very strong, the solutions are very simple.

It’s simple to establish trust and lower the anxious partner’s fear. As trust builds over time, the anxiety gets lower until it’s basically non-existent in the relationship.

Grand gestures don’t make up for missing the little things.

If you do something really big and extravagant for the anxious partner, that’s great.

But also pay attention to the little things, like making it your priority to say hi to that person first thing in the morning or sending a text during the day that says, “I’m thinking of you.”

Consistency is more important than quantity.

A break in the pattern of communication will...

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Someone Wants What You Want, As Much As You Want It

One of my clients told me she was reflecting about her journey of creating the exclusive relationship she's been in for three months, and about the work we have done together.

She said that one of the things that was very helpful for her was the thought that, “Somebody wants what you want, as much as you want it.”

For her this came up in the context of wanting kids.

Previously, she felt nervous about going on dates and sharing her desire to have children with people.

She was worried that other people didn't want that, or she would have to convince somebody to want it.

When she started dating her current boyfriend, she noticed how different it was to talk to him about the topic.

When he talked about kids, she could tell that he was excited about it and that he really liked them.

Going into dating with the belief that there's somebody out there who wants what you want as much as you want it will help you filter people in a much more effective way.

You...

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Clean Single

When my clients come to me for help in dating, usually they start by sharing with me how long they've been single.

Of course, they want to figure out why they haven't been able to create the relationship that they want during that time.

While there can be many different factors, one thing that people usually don't consider is how long they've actually been “clean single.”

Clean single means you are consistently implementing strategies to create dates, and showing up fully for those dates.

Let's say you tell me that you've been single for a year, but you were in a situationship for eight months with a 40% guy.

During those eight months you were unavailable to other people to some extent. That's one year minus eight months where you weren't clean single.

Sometimes people take big breaks from dating, and that doesn’t count as being clean single either. Maybe you took three months off from dating.

So actually during the year you only dated “clean...

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Is His Behavior Your Fault?

On my podcast you usually hear me talking about how to change your thoughts, your feelings, and your actions in order to create the results you want in dating.

If you’re reading this you’re probably already a person who takes responsibility for your own life.

However, in dating we interact with a lot of people – sometimes total strangers – and we have no idea what's in store for us.

I want to give you some questions to ask yourself to make dating less painful if someone doesn’t treat you well.

The solution doesn’t have to be changing something about yourself. And it’s not that you need to be funnier, prettier, sexier, more interesting, more available, or anything else.

The way other people treat you is not about you. It is about them. 

These questions will start to create some distance between yourself and the other person’s behavior.

- Can you control their behavior (i.e. make them text you back, make plans, or be more...

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"More Than a Body" with Dr. Lindsay Kite

On episode 193 of my podcast I had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Lindsay Kite, co-author of the book More Than a Body: Your Body Is an Instrument, Not an Ornament

We discussed the topic of body image and dating. Here are just a few takeaways from our conversation.

1. You don’t have to change your body or appearance to be worthy of love.

There is a myth in our culture that if we perfect our bodies, our lives will finally be good. Our bodies seem like projects to work on and improve. 

But in reality, people of all shapes and sizes have really great lives.

Moreover, people have physical preferences that are all over the map. 

There’s a percentage of guys who only want women who look one certain way. Those aren’t the guys who you would have a long-lasting, meaningful connection with.

No matter what your weight is, there’s a group of people who are attracted to you. If you go up or down in weight, that group might change, but you...

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How to Not Cause Harm in Dating and Relationships

One of my clients told me she was feeling anxious about dating a particular guy. She was really worried that she might lead him on. She worried about what could happen if it turns out that he likes her more than she likes him.

She was really afraid of exploring the connection because potentially, down the line, she could hurt this person.

There's a big difference between disappointing somebody and damaging somebody.

In dating sometimes we have to disappoint people or reject them in order to be honest about what we truly want.

Causing damage to somebody, on the other hand, means creating pain for them to process through. It happens when we let someone down in a way that makes them more fearful, insecure, or confused.

The kinds of behaviors that cause damage include leading people on, being dishonest, being unclear, being hot and cold, and drawing things out longer than you need to.

Here are a few things to help you disappoint or reject people without actually causing harm.

...
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If He Only Wants Part of a Relationship

This is a little motivational note for anyone who is in a situation with a guy who only wants part of a relationship. 

Maybe he just wants to text with you, hang out with you, or sleep with you, but he doesn’t give you the commitment you’re looking for in a relationship. 

You might be taking a few wrong turns and ending up in a casual, uncomfortable connection with someone who doesn’t respect you. 

If you stay for a long time in these situationships, you could start to tell yourself a story about how this is all that’s out there. It starts to paint your whole picture of dating. 

There are some thoughts that cause us to second guess our intuition and continue in a connection that feels negative to us. 

Some examples of these thoughts might be, “I can’t find anything better.” 

Or, “If I just go with the flow and show him that I’m really cool then he’ll eventually want to be with me.” 

...
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Not Sure if You Want Kids? Five Questions for Clarity

A while ago, I was in a relationship with somebody who really wanted kids.

Because I had never been with somebody who was actively bringing up the conversation about having kids, I had never considered it in a serious way before.

So I started to think more about it, and eventually came to the conclusion that I don’t want to have kids.

It was a struggle to come to that realization because if you’re unsure about having kids, you hear more arguments for having them than not. You hear people say that you probably will want kids at a certain age or when you meet the right person.

It can be really difficult to hear your own voice when it comes to this question, so I want to share some questions to ask yourself as you explore this topic:

1. Do I love kids?

Have you spent a significant amount time with kids?

It’s important that you naturally and inherently enjoy it, and that it’s generally fulfilling and emotionally energizing for you.

You want to make sure that...

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The Most Important, Number One Worthwhile Thing That We Do in Life

We get to have many experiences during our time here on earth.

There are so many things you can do here. You can eat a cheeseburger. You can go for a jog or a hike. You can travel. You can strive in your career and create success.

I think the most exquisite, beautiful, fulfilling, rewarding, and special experience that we get to have is our relationships with other people.

Some of us did not get the natural tools that we need to create the level of relationship that we would like to experience in this lifetime. We have to unlearn things from the past, and we have to learn new skills in order to have those relationships.

It’s so worth it to learn those skills to be able to have those amazing relationships because, yes a cheeseburger is so good, but nothing compares to good friendships, coworker relationships, and romantic relationships.

Here is a mindset shift that helped me have more amazing relationships and enjoy my experience of relationships a lot more:

I used to have...

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Copy & Paste Texts For When He Is Pulling Away Or Acting Flaky

Everything you need to know.