Amber Grubenmann

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How to Heal From An Unexpected Breakup

Uncategorized Jan 11, 2024

One of the most difficult experiences in dating is an unexpected breakup.

It can come in the early stages of dating when someone ghosts, or it can happen in a significant relationship where things suddenly take a turn.

All of a sudden, the person breaks up with you and you feel like the relationship was ripped out from under you.

This kind of breakup is so difficult to get over because it shocks our system and there isn't a lot of logic that we can hold onto.

A big part of recovering from a breakup is making sense of it and eventually coming to the conclusion that that wasn't the right person.

But that's really hard to do when 95% of your memories of being with them are positive, and suddenly you have this really negative memory where it ended out of nowhere.

Sometimes in these situations, we don't have a clear understanding of why it happened, and that's really hard to wrap our minds around.

I want to assure you that you will eventually have an experience, either internally or externally, that will show you exactly why it ended.

It can come in the form of another interaction with that person in the future, or it can come in the form of another relationship where you notice what it actually feels like when it's right.

When it's right, it will feel different. It will feel even better.

I know it’s really hard to believe right now, especially if that was the best thing that you have experienced so far.

But if it ended in that way, then that wasn't the best relationship that you're going to have.

In the future, when you are out of this heartbreak, you will see more clearly that that person is not your match.

I also want you to consider that nobody is perfect and no relationship is perfect.

Relationships have challenges, and you get to pick which challenges you're willing to experience. Some of them are worth it, some of them are not.

Conflict arises from differences between two people, and because no two people are the same, you may not know what the conflict will be with a new partner until months into the relationship.

An unexpected breakup is hard because you never got to fully experience the imperfection of that relationship.

Now you're trying to grapple with losing the “perfect” relationship because maybe in the first month or two it really was great.

Down the road, this relationship would have had a challenge or conflict that you would have to work through.

However, this person either showed up with complete avoidance or complete lack of empathy. They weren’t someone who could work through conflict.

Not only do we know that there would have been a challenge down the road, but we also know that this person really wasn't there to navigate that challenge.

And that isn't someone who we were going to have the ultimate partnership with.

Getting broken up with abruptly is also challenging because it’s almost like this person that you were dating tears apart into two people.

One is the person you thought was wonderful, and the other is the person who suddenly turned into a cold, distant version of them and shut you out.

Over time, you'll need to integrate those two people and realize they're still the same person.

That person was really awesome, nice, or whatever, and also really not communicative or empathetic.

Eventually, as you process the breakup you can see this truly was not the relationship for you, that it wasn't a perfect relationship, and that this person had this other quality that was really painful in the end.

When enough time passes, you will recover from it and you will feel open to connecting with another person, but for now, just give yourself time for your brain and your heart and your body to recover from that experience.

It will happen. Trust me, you will be okay.


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This content was originally published on the Women's Dating and Confidence Podcast. Listen on Apple Podcasts or Spotify


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