Messy Endings and Going No-Contact

I've been coaching people for more than five years, and I've seen a lot of relationships begin and end. 

I've seen a lot of my clients have lingering communication with an ex they still have complicated feelings for, and it never creates a desirable result.

So let's talk about why we let messy endings go on for so long.

The first reason is because we hope that maybe things will change.

We hope the other person will become more available, or treat us in the way that we wanted them to, or finally see how great we really are. We hope they’ll mature a little bit and realize what they really wanted in life.

Here's what I want you to remember about this: people show you their best work in the first one to six months.

If you have not seen this person's best, it's not going to get better.

As a coach, my whole job is about change. It's about changing your mindset, the way that you feel, how you show up, and the results that you create.

I believe 100% in people's ability to change.

But there's a big difference between just hoping that things will change by staying in a situation longer, versus being actively engaged in a process of change.

There is also a big difference between someone engaging in a process of change because they have a goal for who they want to be, versus you hoping that they will eventually come to want the things that you want.

If they were engaged in a process of change and they had the same desires and goals as you, you wouldn't be in this position in the first place.

You would be working through things together.

The next reason we stay in connection with people where the relationship has not worked out is we are getting some sort of emotional desire met. It could be the desire for validation, for certainty, or for hope.

However, that source for those needs is very fragile. As soon as the other person starts to move on, the connection will not only stop meeting those needs, but also have a reverse effect of depleting those needs.

Instead, invest in stable sources of having those needs met.

Sources like friendships, family, hobbies, and passions will meet those needs much more consistently, effectively, and continuously throughout your next relationship.

And another common reason is we think we can let go of this connection once we have found the next best connection.

We want to avoid the space in between.

At the same time, being involved with someone we have complicated feelings for gets in the way of new connections.

We're less likely to notice new possibilities with other people, and we are less likely to invest in them. We don't notice or pay attention to other connections that feel relaxed, soothing, and available.

Things also just get complicated down the road when you're trying to make that transition.

When you are dating someone new, you'll need to explain why it's so important for you to stay in touch with your ex or why you two are still hanging out.

If someone is available and ready for a relationship, they're often turned off by meeting someone who is still in a complicated situation from the past.

We want to make sure the foundation is set to build a solid relationship.

The first thing I would always recommend is to just take a big four-month step back and then from that space, analyze.

Is this someone that I really should remain friends with?

Is this somebody who should remain in my life?

Is this someone I should reach out to again and connect with?

Secondarily, we're saying no to following people on Instagram that we've dated.

Just let go of that. Set the boundaries, especially with those people who didn't show up the best in our connections.

And lastly, if you are in a “casual” relationship where there are complex feelings and secret hopes, that's not casual.

It can really get in the way of finding an exclusive and committed relationship.

By saying no to all of these things and having those clean endings, you're saying yes to being available for the best possible relationship.

You are practicing and displaying maturity, boundary setting, and integrity, which are going to be really important qualities for your next relationship.

And you're pursuing your goal of the kind of relationship that you want much, much faster.

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This content was originally published on the Women's Dating and Confidence Podcast. Listen on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.