Amber Grubenmann

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Trust Questions in Dating

Uncategorized Jan 11, 2024

A lot of people think that when they first start dating someone they should never feel anxious, worried, or insecure about the relationship.

If we do feel unsure, we tell ourselves that something is wrong with us or the connection.

But it’s actually the opposite. Feeling unsure is a signal that you’re tuned into the reality of the relationship.

Dating someone new means there’s a vast darkness in terms of things you don’t know about that person and how they’re going to treat you.

We have a long list of trust questions that are unanswered:

When you say you will do something will you follow through? Will you be on time?

Can I trust you financially?

Can I trust you with my secrets?

Can I trust that your emotions are consistent? Can I trust that you have boundaries?

Can I trust that you’re going to be kind, respectful, and patient with me?

Can I trust that you will tell me when something is wrong?

Can I trust that you’ll be there for me when I'm sick?

Will you stay open to me when we have a conflict?

These are some of the questions we might not even realize we are trying to answer when we are dating someone.

Sometimes we can blame ourselves for not being fully trusting when we only have answers to one section of the trust questions.

If someone tells you they love you, you get upset with yourself because you don’t feel completely secure and trusting in the relationship, but that might be because there are other trust questions that are not answered yet.

Maybe you trust that they love you, but you don’t trust that they will always be kind and respectful.

Sometimes we think if the person is trustworthy in one way, we should always feel trusting in every moment and never feel insecure.

That’s why we want to imagine this list of 500 questions and realize that we can be a year into a relationship and still be slowly answering some of these questions.

If you continue to get the evidence and information you need, you will start to feel more secure in that relationship.

However, another reason we can feel insecure or anxious in a relationship is because we are getting answers to these questions and that person is showing us that they’re not very trustworthy.

If we decide to continue the connection when many questions are being answered with, “No you can’t trust me,” naturally you’re not going to feel more secure.

External circumstances like more time or more commitment won’t create more security because those things don’t actually answer the questions on our list.

If you’re hearing “no” to a lot of your trust questions, it’s important again to not blame yourself, but rather notice that it might not be a compatible relationship if those things are not what you’re looking for.


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This content was originally published on the Women's Dating and Confidence Podcast. Listen on Apple Podcasts or Spotify


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