Amber Grubenmann

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Why Do I Keep Ending Up In Casual Relationships?

Uncategorized Oct 18, 2022


If you find yourself ending up in short-term, casual relationships, there are some habits you could change so you can guide your relationships toward exclusivity. 

Basically there two paths we can follow in dating.

One path leads to a more casual connection that doesn't really take root and grow. The other, while challenging in the beginning, tends to help us create a more serious relationship.

There are some key factors and decisions that can play a role in things turning out more casual rather than serious.

The first decision is the timing around sex.

It doesn’t matter whether you have sex on the first date or the tenth date or the hundredth date.

What's more important is that you have the exclusivity conversation first and create a container in your relationship around sex.

With some people, after two dates you really like each other and decide to not date other people.

When we don’t have the exclusivity conversation and we are having sex on a regular basis, things usually fizzle out.

A lot of us think, “If I show him how awesome it is to be in a relationship with me by having sex with him all the time and always being available, then naturally he will want to take the next step and be my boyfriend.”

But usually it doesn't work that way because once we are basically acting like a girlfriend, then we lose our motivation to do an uncomfortable thing and create the relationship.

The second decision is about speaking up in general.

If something isn't sitting right, do you speak up about it? Do you share who you are freely instead of being overly-agreeable?

Do you ask for exclusivity when you're ready for it?

One of the biggest reasons we don't speak up and ask for exclusivity is that we care more about the other person’s feelings than we care about our own.

We would rather go along with something that's uncomfortable for us for months than have a conversation that could potentially make them uncomfortable.

Asking for exclusivity is about the five elements being present.

There's attraction, it's fun hanging out with this person, they care about your feelings and are showing up for the connection. You generally have the same vision and values, and you can tell that they are a growth-oriented person.

When we can see those five things and feel ready to be exclusive, usually it's not going to scare someone away because they are already showing up for the connection.

Usually when someone is scared away, it's because we are asking for exclusivity when they don't deserve it yet.  They're not showing up for the connection, and then when we ask for exclusivity they get kind of weirded out by that.

Or it could be something that has nothing to do with you, like their basic fear of commitment. 

There might be people who you could be a good match with, but if you're showing up in a way that's geared towards a casual relationship, then you're not going to create what you want.

Changing those habits will make a big difference when you do meet people who you connect with.


Want to go From Dating To Exclusive? Make sure you get on the waitlist for the next program. Click here to learn more. 

This content was originally published on the Women's Dating and Confidence Podcast. Listen on Apple Podcasts or Spotify


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