Dr. Aziz Gazipura joined me on episode 208 of the podcast to share some advice about how to create extraordinary relationships.
Dr. Aziz is the reason I became a coach. After I read his book I reached out to him to ask if he could train me, which is why I get to do what I love today.
One of the questions I asked Dr. Aziz was, what makes a great first date conversation?
He suggested steering away from interview-style questions like “where did you go to school?”
Instead, try get a little more creative.
Ask yourself, what do I really want to know about this person?
Ask about what you’re interested in, even if it seems random.
It’s like playing tennis. Can they get that ball even when its low? Even when it’s high? Are they game?
Be brave with your questions and forthcoming with your answers.
If you think this person is great, you might want to win them over, but usually that isn’t the best strategy.
Communicate how you normally do, and be playful like you would be with someone you’re already close to.
You’re a lot more magnetic when you remind yourself before any interaction that you don’t need to get anything from the other person.
My next question was, how do you distinguish between a deal-breaker vs. something that is workable in a relationship?
Dr. Aziz reminded us that if you are unwilling to be single then you’re going to have a hard time making this decision clearly.
You’ll be more likely to distort or downplay information if you think of being alone as painful.
Remind yourself that you are the selector. You get to choose who you spend time with.
Ask yourself, who am I and who do I resonate with?
If the other person is radically different in the way they show up to life, it’s going to be a challenge.
The other thing to consider is how growth-oriented they are. If you share some of the ways you’re growing and learning, what is their reaction? How genuinely curious are they?
If you share something about yourself and they don’t engage or ask any questions, that might be a yellow flag.
Dr. Aziz also offered some tips for how to work through the emotion of jealousy.
Jealousy is rooted in shame. It’s based in the fear that I’m not good enough and my partner will find someone else more attractive and leave me.
Notice and name that you’re feeling jealous, to yourself first and foremost.
Next, question the basics. Are they breaking one of our agreements?
Expectations are things I think everyone should do. Agreements are what we both talk about and say, I’m on board with that.
Learn how to take care of your own suffering, and be seen and known by your partner.
Let your partner know where you’re at by narrating your experience, in a slow way after the intensity of the emotion has subsided.
Relationships require a leap of faith.
There are people who are untrustworthy and deceitful, and there are people who are very trustworthy.
If you find someone who is reliable, you can relax into that and allow yourself to trust them over time.
The ability to do that comes from both the person you choose to be with and the relationship you’re creating together. If you have a high level of intimacy then you can rely on that even more.
You can learn more about Dr. Aziz's work on his website.
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