Amber Grubenmann

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"I should have known..."

Uncategorized Sep 08, 2022

Have you ever looked back on a connection that didn't work out and thought, “I should have known?”

It could be because you had a breakup, or somebody turned out to not be very kind, or another version of things not working out.

We look into the past and we can see certain signs or signals that this person may not have been the best match for us.

Then we judge ourselves for not noticing those things earlier or acting on them at the time.

For example, if a connection doesn’t work out you might think, “I shouldn't have introduced them to my friends so early” or “I should have waited to be exclusive.”

Sometimes people are hesitant to become exclusive because they think, "I need to know if this is the right person."

"I need to know how they're going to treat me. I need to know if we are sexually compatible. I need to see all of these various factors in the relationship before I can take a step forward."

But actually, those decisions to move forward with somebody are what reveal to us if they are the right person.

If you're following the process that I talk about, the steps (meeting somebody, dating them, becoming exclusive, and then doing the labels) are part of what will help you see if this is the connection that will work out.

Let's say somebody is really great the first month and then during month two they start to change. They aren't showing up, they aren’t consistent, they aren’t as kind as they once seemed to be.

You might think something's wrong with you for choosing to move forward with this person.

You might think “I should have never taken those steps and I have to figure out what is wrong with me for choosing this person in the first place.”

It can be useful to notice some of the signals that are very clear now but maybe weren't so clear at the time, but sometimes we just have to go on several dates with somebody. Sometimes it takes a few months.

Sometimes you have to see what this person is like under different circumstances.

Casually dating somebody for two months doesn't give you that information because you aren't changing the circumstance or evolving the connection to see what it's like in different environments.

All of this being said, we can see the majority of what we're going to be working through with a person within the first three to four months, once we've experienced some things in life together, ups and downs with work, and different moods.

That's when we get to see who they really are, not just who they are when they're putting their best foot forward in the beginning.

What is their character underneath it all?

We really want to be in the discovery phase during those first three to four months to see how they show up, how we show up, and what we bring out within each other.

Don't beat yourself up for not knowing something on the second or third date.

Let yourself have that time to explore, as long as each step along the way is feeling good and it makes sense to continue exploring the connection with that person.

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This content was originally published on the Women's Dating and Confidence Podcast. Listen on Apple Podcasts or Spotify

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