Amber Grubenmann

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How To Ask A Man Out (Without Seeming Too Needy!)

Most women don’t even realize that approaching a man and asking him out is an option!


In every movie we ever see, it’s always the man that initiates dating and we are led to believe that this is the only romantic way to begin a connection.


There are a few fears that can come up for women when thinking about asking out men:


Will I make it too easy for him? What about the chase?


When you ask someone out, the chase has just begun! Asking a guy out is kind of like saying “tag, you’re it!”


Seriously though… asking a man out is a courageous gesture but it in no way implies that he has already won you over just by sitting across from you at the bar.


As long as you create the space for him to also put in the effort and you avoid doing the work for him, you can still remain in alignment with him after asking him out.


Dating is not a game of who cares less! It’s okay to show some vulnerability in the form of letting someone know you are interested in them.


What if I get rejected?


Rejection is a part of the process. That’s why it’s courageous when you do ask someone out. There is a risk.


Definitely check out episode #23 Reframing Rejection on the Women’s Dating And Confidence Podcast to learn more about how to take it less personally and be more willing to take that risk.


Dr. Aziz Gazipura taught me that there are levels of bold asking. At the lowest level, you only ever ask for things that you are 100% sure people will say “yes” to.


At the boldest level, you ask for things even when the answer is likely to be “no.”


Asking people out is a bold request. What I know for sure is: the more bold you are willing to be in life, the more rewarding your life will be.


So how do I even ask him out?!


Alright let’s get into the steps!


Let’s say you are at a party and you see a guy you are interested in way across the room.


It can feel overwhelming to go straight from point A (where you are) to point Z (where he is.) Instead, try going from point A to point D and talk to your friend. Then move to point J and refill your drink. From there move to point Q and introduce yourself to a new person. Finally, meet him at point Z and casually say “Hi I’m ___ what is your name?”


This way it feels more organic and natural for you to approach him.


That being said, if there is no way to do this 10 step process, just go for it! Be bold and let someone know you find them interesting and would like to get to know them more at some point.


For example, my first job was as a cashier at a grocery store. Attractive men would pass me every day for only a few seconds. I didn’t have time to warm up or casually talk to 10 other people first. In those cases, I would engage in some small talk with them and then go big and say “Hey my friends and I have get-togethers often and I would love to invite you sometime to join. Would you be up for that?”


Since I was being so bold and upfront in the first 5 seconds I tried to soften my approach by inviting them to a group activity first. Then we would exchange numbers and I would end up meeting them 1:1 anyways!


Want to know how to get HIM to ask YOU out? I wrote another article about that here.




By the way, this article is based on episode #3: How To Ask A Guy Out on the Women's Dating And Confidence Podcast. You can listen to it here: 


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