Amber Grubenmann

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How To Make Rejection Hurt Less

Rejection is something you will most definitely face in dating AND relationships.


Most people subconsciously want to get into a relationship as quickly as possible so they can finally be free of rejection.


The truth is even once you are in a relationship, you will be rejected at times. Maybe they choose to spend time with friends instead of you one evening. Maybe you have a misunderstanding or an argument. Rejection is a natural part of life and we need to get friendly with it if we want to succeed in the long term.


If you don’t get friendly with rejection you will likely give up on things easily, take things personally, and have a much more painful dating experience.


Here’s another BIG truth: the more bold action you take in any given area of life, the more rejection you will experience in that part of life.


So I want you to adopt the following reframe: "If I’m not getting rejected frequently, I must not really be putting myself out there."


When you get rejected, your brain wants to know WHY.


Why are you in pain?


Why did this happen?


How can I prevent this from happening again?


The easiest way to find an answer to these questions is to blame yourself. Telling yourself it’s your fault and you are not enough.


Using Brooke Castillo’s model we can clearly see the effect of our mindset when we get rejected:

Circumstance: He doesn’t want a second date.

Thought: I’m not good enough.

Feeling: Hopeless.

Action: Cancel dates.

Result: No dates, no relationship.


It’s important to look at our mindset in dating as much as the actions we are taking. Our mindset is what allows us to be our most bold, free, authentic selves on dates.


The way that you see rejection determines what kind of action you are willing to take and the quality of the action you are willing to take.


The biggest myth we tend to believe is that if we could only improve ourselves enough, we would finally be free of rejection.


No amount of brains, beauty, achievement, success, or money is EVER a shield from rejection.


I remember when I was younger my boyfriend at the time told me that my body was normal, but not perfect. This rejection stung so badly that I went on a quest to make my body perfect. I did this in a really unhealthy way because of the “not good enough” mindset that was driving me. I used unhealthy drugs, starved myself, and mentally mistreated myself to get down to the lowest weight possible. Finally, when I achieved my perfect body (which I still didn’t think was good enough) he called me and broke up with me.


This was a huge wake-up call for me. Even if I were able to make myself perfect (which I can’t) I can’t match every person’s preferences.


The perfect version of you will never be perfect to every single person on earth.


We see this with celebrities all the time. These are people that we look up to as being “perfect” human beings because they are successful and beautiful and they still get broken up with. They still don’t land every job. They still make mistakes. They are human, just like you, and part of being human is experiencing rejection.


It’s important to not believe in the myth that perfection will prevent rejection.


Another way I like to think about it: rejection is like walking blindfolded through a maze. This is what dating feels like a lot of the time, right? We have a general idea of where we want to go but we don’t know how to get there and so we just have to try things out and see what works.


Rejection is like bumping into the maze walls repeatedly, it helps you find your way.


Sometimes you might have a good streak and be walking a while without hitting something. Suddenly you smack your head. This impact hurts, but it informs you to change direction, try something else, and ultimately leads you to your goal.


There is an inherent shitty quality to rejection. Don’t try to make it something it isn’t. That means don’t try to convince yourself not to care or to enjoy it and savor it like a good wine. But it also means don’t make it worse than it is.


Don’t make it personal. Rejection is one of the few life experiences we all have in common.




This article is based on episode #23 Reframing Rejection of the Women's Dating And Confidence Podcast. You can listen to it here: 



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