Amber Grubenmann

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The Conqueror

Uncategorized Nov 15, 2022

When we are familiar with different types of people we meet in dating (such as the forty-percent guy), we can identify them more easily.

Another dating archetype I want to introduce you to is the conqueror.

The conqueror is the person who loses their interest in you as soon as you show yours.

In this connection you are punished for expressing desire. You have to withhold your feelings in order to receive love, affection, or interest from the other person.

Any time that you show them a little bit of interest they pull away, so you feel like you have to maintain the chase.

It trains you to believe that your love is a bad thing. 

That sucks because the whole point of a relationship is to have a place where it’s safe to give somebody love and to receive it in return.

The conqueror pulls away as soon as you give something because for them it’s really about the idea of winning you.

Then, when you withhold your interest, the game’s back on.

The dynamic with the conqueror is not based on connection between two people, it’s based on the illusion of connection.

When you decide to enter this cycle with a conqueror, you become a conqueror as well.

You are taught in that connection that you were less valuable when you showed interest, so you then see other people as less valuable when they show interest.

We notice our attraction becoming lower as soon as they’re interested in us.

This dynamic can lead us down the game playing rabbit hole, but what it doesn’t do is lead us to a connection or to a relationship where we feel loved.

If you think you might be in a connection with a conqueror, pay attention to how you are treated when you show interest.

Is it rewarding? Do they amplify your effort? Do they take it and make it into more, or do they take it and throw it in the garbage?

When you take a step forward, do they match it or retreat?

The opposite of a game playing connection is a connection built on actually sharing what’s inside both of you.

Real connection is telling a joke and seeing what they do with it. Are they going to laugh at it? Are they going to share other stories and jokes?

You put a card on the table and see what their reaction is.

You will feel secure with the right person because you know every step they take forward is because they like what you put out there.

The solution to the conqueror dynamic is to base your efforts in dating around real connection from the very beginning and only date people who reward your vulnerability, interest, and enthusiasm. 


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This content was originally published on the Women's Dating and Confidence Podcast. Listen on Apple Podcasts or Spotify


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