Amber Grubenmann

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Saying "No" So You Can Hear Your "Yes"

Uncategorized Dec 13, 2022

One thing that comes up a lot when I talk about sexual dynamics with my clients is the topic of saying “no.”

The main thought that a lot of women have when it comes to sex and dating is “I owe him sex.”

You probably don’t even realize you’re thinking something like this, but it can show up in a lot of ways, including:

“I don’t want to flirt too much on the date because I don’t want to give him the wrong impression.”

“I don’t want him to think that we are going to have sex today.”

“I don’t want to give him blue balls.”

It can also show up as not wanting to go to a guy’s house because if you do he’ll expect that you’re going to have sex.

Or thinking that if you don’t have sex early enough he will lose interest or he will go find somebody else to have sex with, or thinking that all men want is sex.

If on some level you feel reserved or uncomfortable flirting, there’s probably some underlying sense of obligation there.

You feel like you have to prevent the idea of sex from floating into his head in the first place.

With one client who felt like she didn’t often feel attracted to people in general, we uncovered that she had a lot of those kinds of thoughts.

She was feeling very reserved and very held back.

She shared that she had a lot of discomfort with saying no, and she had no idea how to pump the brakes or how to keep things at a certain level with people. It was safer and more comfortable to pull away completely and be very businesslike when she went on dates.

When you don’t trust yourself to be able to set the boundaries that you need without guilt, then it’s very hard to notice which part of you is saying yes.

Rather than working on flirting we worked on saying no.

When we lower that pressure, the flirtiness tends to come out naturally.

Being confident allows you to flirt even though you just met this person because you set the pace for yourself.

When there’s somebody you’re really into but you don’t want to take the next step yet, here are some phrases to use:

“I'm not quite ready for that.”

“Can we slow things down a little bit?”

“I like to take things slow. Is it ok if I initiate the next steps and you follow my lead?”

“I actually want to keep my clothes on.”

“I would like to get to know you better before we kiss.”

If there’s a situation where you don’t like the person and you don’t want to move forward at all then saying “no,” “stop,” or “don’t touch me,” will do.

Lastly, I want to give you some new thoughts to replace the thought that “I owe men sex”:

You can enjoy flirtation, chemistry, and tension.

You don’t have to fulfill any expectations, even if the person has the wrong expectation.

The other person can think they you’re going to have sex and they can just be wrong.

Saying no can actually enhance the flirtation, chemistry, and tension.

Not knowing what’s going to happen and when can enhance the desire between the two of you.

When you know that you can say "no," you will be able to feel your "yes," and then you’ll be able to flirt more easily because you won’t feel obligated to do anything you don’t want to do.


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This content was originally published on the Women's Dating and Confidence Podcast. Listen on Apple Podcasts or Spotify


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