In my last post I talked about the idea of the Secret Island.
In dating, that means letting go of the 40% guy who is meeting some of your needs in order to pursue the great relationship that you are truly looking for.
How do you tell the difference between that versus just getting caught up in the thought that “the grass is always greener?”
Letting go of a connection is the right thing to do if one or more of the five elements – friendship connection, physical chemistry, respect, growth mindedness, and similar vision and values – is missing or failing.
The standard isn't perfection, but for each element we want to tune in and ask ourselves, is this element failing, passing, or an A+?
If the elements are at least passing, you have something to work with. If any of the elements are failing, you are making the right decision to leave this connection and pursue something better.
But there is also a mindset that can occur in relationships when all five elements are actually passing where you feel like you're missing out on things that you really enjoyed when you were single.
Maybe you meet a cute guy at work and you have a little crush, and if you were single you would explore it. Or you go to a bar and somebody asks you out. Or your friends take a girls' trip, but you have to meet your boyfriend's family instead.
It can show up as the sneaky thought of, “Maybe I prefer to be single after all.”
Or, “Maybe if I were really, really, really excited about this person, I wouldn't feel this way. I would just be so happy to finally be in a relationship.”
We use our doubt as a reason to doubt the relationship in the first place.
We think it means that there is someone better out there who could completely eradicate any sense of doubt that we have in a relationship.
The most important thing to understand is having doubts about a relationship doesn't mean anything about the quality of the relationship.
That's why we have the tool of the five elements.
You can look at each element and reassure yourself that you are with the right person.
And if one of the elements is not feeling so good this month, then you can make more of an investment to improve that area, instead of just thinking this isn't the right relationship.
Secondly, there is somebody better out there, but it's not always worthwhile to try to find them.
Sometimes we can spend too much time even entertaining the question of, “Is there somebody better?”
Let's say you let go of this person because of the reality that there is somebody better out there.
There are billions of people, so the statistical chance that you found the actual best possible human ever to be in a relationship with is slim to none.
We can't be the number one person and neither can our partner.
You can spend your time searching for somebody with all five elements.
When you find them, you can spend your time investing in that connection. That will make it the best possible connection for you over time, because you build it with this person.
You create memories with them.The connection grows richer and richer and pays dividends over time.
When you let go of a connection because you think there's somebody even better, you’re not acknowledging that what you want is created over time with somebody who has all of the five elements.
Even if you do let them go, you will find another person.
There are many people that you can connect with who have all five elements.
Of course there’s something better, but what could you create with the person that you’re with right now if you were really committed, if you invested in the connection, and if you didn't choose to entertain those doubtful thoughts?
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