Amber Grubenmann

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"I Don’t Want To End Up Alone"

Uncategorized Dec 13, 2022

I recently had a 15-minute session with a woman who shared a thought she was having frequently: “I don't want to be alone forever.”

She had recently gotten out of a long-term marriage, and she found herself dating for the first time in years.

She had never expected to do this in her forties, which is the case for a lot of women who join From Dating to Exclusive.

On one hand, she felt really discouraged by the apps.

But on the other hand, she had this thought: “I don't want to end up alone.”

That's a really common dilemma. We hate dating, but we also really, really want a relationship. We kind of chug along through the process of dating, but we hate the process.

I explained to her how dating from this place of discouragement tends to make dating more difficult.

We're less likely to be open, we are less likely to find other people attractive, and we are less likely to show up courageously when we're coming from these kinds of negative thoughts.

I told her that she didn't need to just suck it up or just be positive.

What I offered her instead was that maybe she could just shift the thought two degrees away from that.

So instead of thinking “I don't want to end up alone forever,” she could think “I deeply value relationships in my life.”

She said that she immediately felt a sense of groundedness.

Then I explained to her that when she's thinking “I don't want to be alone forever,” she is approaching the men that she dates as the solution to her problem.

She goes on dates because she doesn't want to be alone forever, and people can sense those underlying energies.

When she's coming from the place of “I deeply value relationships in my life,” it changes the intention behind dating.

Now she goes on a date because she values people, she values relationships, and she wants this experience in her life.

People are going to feel that shift in her energy.

She's beginning the journey of cherishing another person, starting on date number one.

Notice how this is different than trying to convince yourself that you don't need anybody, you're fine alone, and you can just be single forever.

It's not going from “I'm scared to end up alone” to “I don't need anybody.”

The thought that “I deeply value relationships in my life” will still get you motivated to do all of the things that you need to do to find a special romantic relationship.

It also helps you not dismiss other relationships as less valuable. It helps you come from a place of passion and purpose, rather than lack.

And lastly, it helps you come into dating with a vision of a life full of love, a life full of deep, meaningful, wonderful relationships and people who you cherish, including a life partner.


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This content was originally published on the Women's Dating and Confidence Podcast. Listen on Apple Podcasts or Spotify


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