This article is based on podcast episode #36: Slow Down To Speed Things up on the Women's Dating And Confidence Podcast.
The most attractive traits that you can exhibit to men are confidence, certainty, and just a general feeling of being relaxed.
On the other hand, the least attractive traits are: desperation, insecurity, and feeling scarce.
When you feel scarce you feel like this opportunity is a once and a lifetime opportunity. When you feel insecure you worry that you won’t be able to maintain his interest. When you feel desperate you feel like you have to HURRY.
This combo of feelings causes you to try and speed things up in the beginning of the relationship and make things as secure as possible with the guy you are dating.
At first, it may seem like you are just so caught up in the romance of it all, but more often than not, if your actions are coming from that fearful place, the relationship will fizzle out just as abruptly as it started.
You may be in a place in your life where you feel like your circumstances make you feel more desperate. For example, many women feel pressured because of their age or because they compare themselves to their friends who are all getting married.
The antidote to desperation is slowing down. It’s counter-intuitive especially when you are in a rush.
This is the equivalent of getting off your bike for a few seconds and temporarily slowing down so that you can get into the car which is much faster and more effective in the long run.
The first step in slowing down is being aware of your patterns. Do you try to reach every milestone in the first few months of the relationship? Saying “I love you”, moving in together, getting engaged, and so forth?
Do you try to spend as much time as possible with the person, share “vulnerably” in order to speed up the getting to know you process and avoid having any space between you two?
Awareness itself can have a huge impact. Now we need to consciously make decisions to not succumb to our old patterns of behavior.
You might decide to feel the discomfort of not texting him during the day at work instead of checking your phone every five seconds. You might decide to date him a few more weeks before making a decision to rush into a relationship. You might date for a few more months as you contemplate moving in together.
When you start to date a guy it’s like having a tiny little plant that is just beginning to grow. The plant needs water in order to grow. If you begin to drown it in gallons of water it won’t ever make it. Yes, it needs water, but it’s not ready or able to process it in large amounts yet. Once your plant grows over time, slowly but surely, it will be able to tolerate more water in the same way that your relationship will be able to tolerate more time spent together and more affection.